Yesterday we learned about the importance of mothers and how to become better mothers in Relief Society, the women's study class in our church. The teacher turned her attention immediately to how young women can be mothers who either have not yet married or those who cannot have children. I thought of an article I read some time back that talked about how nurturing does not always come naturally to women and how some men have that ability.
At the time I read the article, I thought that sometimes those things that will bring the most reward are the things we must work the hardest at developing the skill. The author of that article contended that nurturing and mothering is not a latent gift for all women.
I believe that while nurturing is not always an obvious talent, it is there. The woman who does not choose to develop it deprives herself of a gift that is useful in every realm of life, whether at home or as an executive of a multi-billion dollar company. Women who are nurturers make good managers and leaders as well as good mothers, but that is not my topic of the day.
I easily loved my children, I wanted to do the best thing for them, and I was deeply committed to the gospel. I wanted to do what I felt the Lord wanted me to do, and I took no issue with the idea that He wanted me to raise them--not my neighbor, not a local daycare worker, not my mother (who was working at that point in my life but had not worked until several years AFTER her youngest graduated from college and moved out. I had recognized my mother's influence in my life by being home for those critical junctions in my life, and I knew it was good to have a mother at home even when I was busily working in my own career. I missed her being home after she returned to work even though I had not lived at home or near home for several years. It was good, and I wanted my children to have that solidarity at home.
But I was also highly social. I missed seeing and working with the people at work. I had been a socialite (not in the sense that Hollywood uses the term but within my own sphere) while I had been single. I loved new clothes and new challenges. Within a very short time, I became marooned on the side of a mountain with two little babies and no one to socialize with.
Just to clarify, we didn't live in a log cabin in the wilderness, but without my car at my disposal, I felt like we were. My car became our only car. We had neighbors, most of whom worked away from home during the day, and the other few never came by to visit. It was lonely. I struggled with baby blues, depression. It wasn't easy, but my mother told me during a visit at this time that I was fortunate to have to be without a vehicle because I had to turn my mind to my babies and to enjoying homemaking since there was nothing else for me. She was a possibilititarian.
I've thought about what she said for YEARS.
And you know what? She was right!
She didn't mean it maliciously. In fact, she knew how much I liked to be out and about better than anyone else, and she worried about me. B U T she knew I would focus on my relationship with my husband and my children. She knew I would have to learn to cook better. She knew I would focus on making my house a home that I wanted to be in. She was trying to help me focus on the possibilities of my situation. And I did. I was forced to do so. How blessed I became because I did.
Today I have totally changed from that young woman. I love my family fiercely as well as my home. I have developed hobbies that I can pursue inside my home. I have a car that will take me elsewhere, and I've had one for years now. That brief time without my own car stunk--there is no other word for it--but it was a useful time. I loved watching my twin babies play together, and I became exhausted when I had to carry two car carriers anywhere. I learned to take cooking as my newest challenge instead of finding the best restaurants and bakeries, and I remember how thrilled I was when I finally made wonderful sweet rolls. FYI--anyone can make sweet rolls, but making really good ones like the best bakeries: That is a talent by itself! If I had to be without a car, that was definitely the best time. Today I do not take that privilege for granted. I have a very strong marriage with the man I chose who has become my best friend. I credit the TIME I had to spend and the necessity of developing a deep, nurturing relationship with my husband during that time to his later business success. I became the homemaker that I desired to be but had not become by age 32 when my boys were born.
So is every woman born a nurturer? Check your baby development books about girls. No, I don't think so. We were born with the capacity to develop our talents, but what we do with those God-given talents is decided by our daily decisions. One talent I believe all women share is the potential to develop is that of nurturing. (Many men develop it too, but this isn't about them!)
Growing up, I was told I had tremendous musical talent on the piano, but today I can barely read the bottom staff of music. Was it because I didn't have the talent for it? Emphatically no. It was because I chose to stop playing the piano when I was 14 years old. Do I regret it? Every day, to the point that I think I'm going to attempt to reignite that talent almost 40 years later. I was also told I had a gift for languages--another gift I stopped developing long before I became a mother; I want to see if that gift can be rebooted too.
When I was in my 20s, a roommate complimented me that I had created a home where she wanted to be. I always thought it was too bad that her presence drove me from that home on a daily basis. Was my ability to create a homelike atmosphere enough? No. I still had other parts of the talents of mothering, nurturing, and homemaking to develop. Was she lacking in that talent? No, but she had not developed it at all. Is it easy to develop? Can I tell you how many tears of loneliness I cried? How much I wished for others to come over? I still think that is one of the saddest results of so many women returning to work: they aren't there for each other. My mother once mentioned how much more difficult it was for me because I couldn't just visit with other women over the back fence while hanging laundry outside as she and previous generations had done.
Lately I have been considering the possibility of getting a job or "reentering the work force." I've been praying about the decision, focusing on the possibilities that could be ours with two incomes even if I focused on opportunities that would allow me to be home when my high schooler gets home. Yesterday, however, I had the overwhelming desire come upon me again to still be home and the opportunities that still remain there. I last remember that intense desire when I was clinging to my two babies and weeping as I tried to find a day care that would accept both babies. I remember that gratitude that I could be home as I gazed at my newly born daughter with awe. I planned to return to work for two weeks after my sons were born while I gave my notice that I was quitting. Only two weeks, but that seemed an eternity. The miracle came shortly after when a letter in the mail opened to reveal that I had been let go from my job. I was thrilled. The Lord was good to me because I did not have to put my precious sons in a daycare for even two weeks.
Is nurturing one of the greatest gifts born to women? YES! Is it an easy gift? No.
At the time I read the article, I thought that sometimes those things that will bring the most reward are the things we must work the hardest at developing the skill. The author of that article contended that nurturing and mothering is not a latent gift for all women.
I believe that while nurturing is not always an obvious talent, it is there. The woman who does not choose to develop it deprives herself of a gift that is useful in every realm of life, whether at home or as an executive of a multi-billion dollar company. Women who are nurturers make good managers and leaders as well as good mothers, but that is not my topic of the day.
I easily loved my children, I wanted to do the best thing for them, and I was deeply committed to the gospel. I wanted to do what I felt the Lord wanted me to do, and I took no issue with the idea that He wanted me to raise them--not my neighbor, not a local daycare worker, not my mother (who was working at that point in my life but had not worked until several years AFTER her youngest graduated from college and moved out. I had recognized my mother's influence in my life by being home for those critical junctions in my life, and I knew it was good to have a mother at home even when I was busily working in my own career. I missed her being home after she returned to work even though I had not lived at home or near home for several years. It was good, and I wanted my children to have that solidarity at home.
But I was also highly social. I missed seeing and working with the people at work. I had been a socialite (not in the sense that Hollywood uses the term but within my own sphere) while I had been single. I loved new clothes and new challenges. Within a very short time, I became marooned on the side of a mountain with two little babies and no one to socialize with.
Just to clarify, we didn't live in a log cabin in the wilderness, but without my car at my disposal, I felt like we were. My car became our only car. We had neighbors, most of whom worked away from home during the day, and the other few never came by to visit. It was lonely. I struggled with baby blues, depression. It wasn't easy, but my mother told me during a visit at this time that I was fortunate to have to be without a vehicle because I had to turn my mind to my babies and to enjoying homemaking since there was nothing else for me. She was a possibilititarian.
I've thought about what she said for YEARS.
And you know what? She was right!
She didn't mean it maliciously. In fact, she knew how much I liked to be out and about better than anyone else, and she worried about me. B U T she knew I would focus on my relationship with my husband and my children. She knew I would have to learn to cook better. She knew I would focus on making my house a home that I wanted to be in. She was trying to help me focus on the possibilities of my situation. And I did. I was forced to do so. How blessed I became because I did.
Today I have totally changed from that young woman. I love my family fiercely as well as my home. I have developed hobbies that I can pursue inside my home. I have a car that will take me elsewhere, and I've had one for years now. That brief time without my own car stunk--there is no other word for it--but it was a useful time. I loved watching my twin babies play together, and I became exhausted when I had to carry two car carriers anywhere. I learned to take cooking as my newest challenge instead of finding the best restaurants and bakeries, and I remember how thrilled I was when I finally made wonderful sweet rolls. FYI--anyone can make sweet rolls, but making really good ones like the best bakeries: That is a talent by itself! If I had to be without a car, that was definitely the best time. Today I do not take that privilege for granted. I have a very strong marriage with the man I chose who has become my best friend. I credit the TIME I had to spend and the necessity of developing a deep, nurturing relationship with my husband during that time to his later business success. I became the homemaker that I desired to be but had not become by age 32 when my boys were born.
So is every woman born a nurturer? Check your baby development books about girls. No, I don't think so. We were born with the capacity to develop our talents, but what we do with those God-given talents is decided by our daily decisions. One talent I believe all women share is the potential to develop is that of nurturing. (Many men develop it too, but this isn't about them!)
Growing up, I was told I had tremendous musical talent on the piano, but today I can barely read the bottom staff of music. Was it because I didn't have the talent for it? Emphatically no. It was because I chose to stop playing the piano when I was 14 years old. Do I regret it? Every day, to the point that I think I'm going to attempt to reignite that talent almost 40 years later. I was also told I had a gift for languages--another gift I stopped developing long before I became a mother; I want to see if that gift can be rebooted too.
When I was in my 20s, a roommate complimented me that I had created a home where she wanted to be. I always thought it was too bad that her presence drove me from that home on a daily basis. Was my ability to create a homelike atmosphere enough? No. I still had other parts of the talents of mothering, nurturing, and homemaking to develop. Was she lacking in that talent? No, but she had not developed it at all. Is it easy to develop? Can I tell you how many tears of loneliness I cried? How much I wished for others to come over? I still think that is one of the saddest results of so many women returning to work: they aren't there for each other. My mother once mentioned how much more difficult it was for me because I couldn't just visit with other women over the back fence while hanging laundry outside as she and previous generations had done.
Lately I have been considering the possibility of getting a job or "reentering the work force." I've been praying about the decision, focusing on the possibilities that could be ours with two incomes even if I focused on opportunities that would allow me to be home when my high schooler gets home. Yesterday, however, I had the overwhelming desire come upon me again to still be home and the opportunities that still remain there. I last remember that intense desire when I was clinging to my two babies and weeping as I tried to find a day care that would accept both babies. I remember that gratitude that I could be home as I gazed at my newly born daughter with awe. I planned to return to work for two weeks after my sons were born while I gave my notice that I was quitting. Only two weeks, but that seemed an eternity. The miracle came shortly after when a letter in the mail opened to reveal that I had been let go from my job. I was thrilled. The Lord was good to me because I did not have to put my precious sons in a daycare for even two weeks.
Is nurturing one of the greatest gifts born to women? YES! Is it an easy gift? No.
But it is worth it.
